I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
