i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
