Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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