I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
