Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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