i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
