where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
