i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
