I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
