I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Randomize
