By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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