im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
