i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
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