i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
