you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
