im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
