Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Randomize
