just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
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