I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
