i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
