Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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