remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Randomize
