he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
