Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
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