guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
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