the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
BRING THE BAGELS
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
