Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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