Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
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