If i come over, it means nothing
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Randomize
