Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
