she woke up with a sticky ear
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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