Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
