Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
