Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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