Betty ford says i'm here all night
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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