Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize