So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
