I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Randomize
