Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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