You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
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