he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
