Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
