The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
