they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Blood and glitter go together right?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
