i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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