i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Randomize
