I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Randomize
