Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize