she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
