Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Randomize
