I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
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