new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
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