My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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