i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
