Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize