I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
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