Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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