we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Randomize
