i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
