I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
