If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
